Mothering Style, Unsolicited Parenting Advice and Sticking to Your Guns
I was married at 19, had my first child at 22.
So I was the first in my circle of friends and family at my age to have kids. It wasn’t easy, especially because for a long time I didn’t have anyone I could relate to about the trials and travails of motherhood.
That’s probably why my own style of motherhood has been an eclectic mix of passed-on advice from my own mother, my titas (aunties), my in-laws, a few friends I trust, a few parenting books that have crossed my path, a lot of tv watching from the likes of Oprah and Dr. Phil (okay, and the occasional Supernanny episode) and a whole lot of my own womanly intuition and gut motherly instinct to bring it all together. Oh, and of course, the actual EXPERIENCE of giving birth to 3 children (not to mention going through 1 miscarriage and 1 ectopic pregnancy) and raising them to, as of this writing, 12, 9 and 3 years of age.
The most irksome thing I’ve come across in over 12 years of motherhood is the unsolicited advice meant to compare you or your kids to someone else (obviously in their eyes ‘better’). Or the oh-so-subtle harangue meant to guilt-induce you into somehow seeing the light of their enlightened ways because. You. Just. Don’t know anything!
Up to now, I get the most insidious unsolicited parenting advice from single gals with zero kids. I just smile, and then mentally scratch their eyes out.
Or I pointedly say, No, I didn’t teach them that so don’t expect them to be like so and so.
And really, no one knows my kid better than me so butt out! I get to choose which rules apply to which kid!
I have gotten better at ignoring things like this now, and I love it when I come across articles that vindicate my plan for revenge: wait until they become parents themselves so they can all eat their words! Check out this one at Mama Mia – I really can’t remember if I set such high standards myself before having kids but I sure hope I was never a bitch to anyone before I became a mother and I always consciously try not to judge anyone now knowing how hard it is even on the best of days!
But seriously, the best revenge is actually my own kids. Seeing them grow up well, although I know I’ve got a long way to go.
Yes, I still co-sleep with my 3-year-old (as I did with the older kids), I breastfed him until he was 2 1/2 years old (over the 1-year mark I always aim for that I didn’t even get close to for the two older kids), had an epidural when I gave birth to him (I tried to go as natural as possible with the first but my body couldn’t hack it and after 12 hours of painful contractions and not much progress in dilation, an epidural finally relaxed my body enough for me to dilate fully – lesson learned and implemented for the next two births), and I went back to work 6 weeks after I had him (as I pretty much did for the older ones) .
So I’m attached and detached all at the same time. I guess I’m not very good with labels and I certainly don’t like living in a box. I do what I feel is right for us as a family, for them as my children and for me as a mother and wife, and I am very happy with the fruits of my labour – literally!
It certainly doesn’t mean I get everything right, and I’m always absolutely happy with the results. You live, you learn, but most of all you love is a really good mantra for motherhood. I love how Jacinta Tynan puts it:
there is no technique that overrides love and the best intentions.
So in the end, being a parent, with all its highs and lows, ebbs and flows, good and bad is all about your heart, as it always is for the things that matter most.
